So I’m probably the worst person to give advice on this subject. I’ve been in multiple long distance relationships between the ages of 16-and now and none of them have worked. I’ve either ended it myself or been cheated on in the process and it’s always led to emotional breakage and pain. However, yesterday I was spending time with a friend who also just got to Korea with me. She was in a heated back and forth argument with her spouse about her going out to the club, something my friend had been against doing for better judgment, that now her spouse wanted to do, the first weekend of them being apart.
Throughout the day the heated text and Facetimes continued and it reminded me of my past long distance relationships; specifically, the most recent one that ended.
I’ve honestly almost 100% have come to terms that long distance relationships don’t work. They are meant for people who have been married for years already with stability and children and actual thorough amounts of life entanglement.If you have nothing together (i;e kids, bills, property, careers, etc), cheating or moving on is so much easier.
Now note I didn’t put marriage in that circle; marriage or any form of title doesn’t make a person not cheat let us get that straight off the bat. I’ve learned that a person can showcase your relationship online and still step out on you. That you can be married and still be cheated on. Point being, you never know your situation but after watching my friends back and forth with her spouse I realized there are some key things a person has to do to be in a successful relationship long distances. These are my pointers:
- Genuinely Like/Love The Person – You’re probably thinking that’s stupid right? Common sense right? WRONG! People jump into relationships for shallow and stupid reasons like looks or hating to be alone. I’ve done it. Other people do it. I can tell you now that isn’t going to get you nowhere. If you don’t know who you are dating it’s not going to work. You have to know how they were raised, their goals, their likes, and dislikes. You have to really spend time getting to know them; to know what upsets them and what makes them smile. You have to take the time to genuinely fall for the person they are online and offline. Sometimes you get that chance before separating, other times you don’t, either way that’s an important part of a successful relationship from afar because if you don’t feel a genuine understanding for a person you won’t feel a genuine desire to commit naturally based on the idea that you want it to work because this person who may be far in distances, knows you inside and out and vice versa.
- Schedule Talking – This is so valid. You guys are in different time zones, or have separate schedules and are busy all the time? Find time for one another through that. Set up reminders that this is the time you guys are going to talk on your laptop and phone and go through with it. Don’t just call when your bored or not busy or when you decide you want to talk. I realized if I and my past partner would have pushed to spend time talking it would have been better. There are so many ways to do it too; Facetime, webcam, or even just phone calls; the main thing is staying in contact and making that extra effort to talk as much as possible so it’s almost like they are with you. There won’t be time to stray and unattach if that attachment stays there.
- Get Over Petty Fights/Arguments- I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT I’M ALL CAPPING IT. LET SHIT GO. EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE, BUT LET SHIT GO. IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE FROM A DISTANCE YOU CAN’T LET EVERYTHING BOTHER YOU OR TAKE EVERYTHING TO HEART. WHEN YOU START ACTING LIKE YOU DON’T CARE YOU LITERALLY WILL STOP CARING. WHEN YOU ALLOW YOUR ANGER TO LET YOU HANG UP PHONE CALLS, SAY MEAN THINGS, AND NOT ANSWER THE PHONE YOUR ALREADY SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR FAILURE. THIS GOES TWO WAYS TOO. BOTH PEOPLE HAVE TO LET IT GO. DON’T GET MAD BECAUSE THEY GOT MAD. THE WHOLE WELL HE DOESN’T WANT TO ANSWER THEN I’M, NOT ANSWERING THING IS SO STUPID. TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT!!! REMEMBER WHY YOU LOVE/LIKE THAT PERSON. REMEMBER WHAT YOU’RE THROWING OUT IF YOU CONTINUE DOWN A NEGATIVE ROUTE. IF YOU ARE UPSET BE MATURE EXPLAIN YOURSELF AND REALIZE HOLDING ANGER ISN’T SMART WHEN YOU GUYS AREN’T EVEN FACE TO FACE OR IN THE SAME AREA. IT’S A SET UP FOR DOOM. I realize now most of the things I and my ex were arguing about were so stupid and wouldn’t have ever lasted if we were together. It was easier to get over things because we would be able to kiss and touch and see each other and automatically we would be back happy and on good terms…. With distances that wasn’t possible so it led to dragged out negativity and grudges, I wish never would have been put in our relationship. We forgot the good, we forgot that there was a time we could argue and two minutes later be cuddled up kissing. Things that use to not matter suddenly matter. Arguments that use to not last suddenly were more hurtful from afar and left scars. We forgot that arguing from a distance meant no type of physical closure. That we mentally had to let things go and remind ourselves it wasn’t worth being mad. This probably is the most important key to all the keys.
- Don’t do Single Stuff– I know you’re probably thinking what’s that mean, so I can’t party, I can’t go out? No, I don’t think a person should stop being social and having fun. I do think they should do it in increments and not as much, though. There are so many things to do for fun outside of drinking and clubbing and being in places where single people can hit on you and try to be with you. It’s not just clubbing I’m talking about either. I’m talking about things like allowing other people to flirt with you, and people of the opposite sex to get too friendly with you. I feel everyone has a radar to when someone is interested. Turn that radar all the way up and keep it there when you’re long distance. Don’t just let new women and men into your life that you know you wouldn’t have around you if your man or your girl was there.You are opening a door for problems and you already know it. Don’t give out your number to people and “just be friends” with people. I’ve learned when you’re in a relationship, especially long distance it seems like everyone wants you even more. People are even more sneaky and deceptive with trying to get with you knowing you’re taken. It’s really sad but it’s worse when you become one of those people who cheat while claiming to be with someone on social media and to the person’s face. I feel that just breaks all the rules to a relationship and then trust is gone and there is nothing else to talk about.
- Become a Better You – I can’t stress this enough either. When you’re long distance the best thing you can do is make some goals or achieve something while you have time to be to yourself. Rather than sitting around depressed and lonely expecting your significant other to be with you all the time by phone, look for something to give you a drive.Someone told me there are three ways to live a happy life. Being productive, being creative and learning. I totally agree with this. When you are focusing on becoming a better you you aren’ thinking about negative things like cheating or loneliness or what the future is bringing in your relationship. When your full goal in life is to focus on your partner there is a problem on both sides. You’re not growing and the other person feels they are leaving you behind. It’s unbalanced when one person is doing things to better themselves while the other is just clinging to a relationship and no goals. Take that time alone to get goals. To learn about yourself and push towards them. You can’t live for someone. You literally can’t have your main goal being making someone else’s goals happen. That’s not attractive or something anyone wants in a partner. How do you expect your partner to look up to you if there is nothing to look up to. How do you expect your partner to want to be with someone who isn’t achieving anything while they are? I also feel like the person who isn’t doing anything productive becomes jealous and angry at the fact that the other person is doing good sometimes too which leads to cheating and arguing and etc. Point being both people in the relationship have to have goals and productivity. Go to school. Get in shape. Learn a new language. Get a step closer to a career choice. Find a hobby. There is so much you can do with your free time while being apart and when you’re back together it just makes you guys even stronger.
There are so many more things I could say any maybe if I get some comments asking for more advice I’ll post a part 2 or create a video but to me, these are the 5 most important things. I feel like if you can have these general steps on your side you should be able to be in a good long distance relationship.
Thanks for reading lovelies!